During the season of Lent it seemed appropriate to focus on the Confiteor prayer in the Mass. The Confiteor, or “I Confess” in Latin, is a prayer that invites us to acknowledge our sins in preparation for communion.
I confess to almighty God
and to you, my brothers and sisters,
that I have greatly sinned,
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done
and in what I have failed to do,
through my fault,
through my fault,
through my most grievous fault;
therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,
all the Angels and Saints,
and you, my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord our God.
What draws me to this prayer is the acknowledgement that God hates sin, and that no matter which way we look at it we are sinners. It doesn’t say, “I may have sinned,” or “If I have sinned,” but assumes, “I have greatly sinned.”
At different times of my life I have been incredibly uncomfortable with this concept. And to this day I don’t know if I can quite wrap my mind around the millstone-round-your-neck-chop-off-your-hand-poke-out-your-eye approach to sin that Jesus promotes (Matt. 18:6-9). At least I don’t often live like my sin is that serious.
It’s so much easier to think of myself as a good person who occasionally messes up or gets into slight misunderstandings. But that is not the whole truth.
I think sin is the temptation to hide or to cover up the things you don’t want others to see. Embarrassment, guilt, shame, pride, fear…these are the things that keep me from being honest with myself and others.
And I don’t think I’m alone in this. I think it’s why Adam and Eve’s knee-jerk reaction was to cover themselves up and hide in the garden. They didn’t want to be seen (Gen 3:6-10).
And the thing about sin is we can get used to a lifestyle of hiding. We adapt. We don’t want others to see all of our thoughts or our actions. We don’t want everyone to hear every word we say. We offer half-truths and selectively share. We tell ourselves it’s our only option. We’re convinced that no one would ever understand or love us if they knew the full picture, so we learn to cope. We learn to be satisfied with the scraps of love that people offer us. We’re hungry for more, and at the same time so scared that eventually we’ll be found out and our love will be taken away.
I think the reason God hates sin so much is that it takes so much energy for us to hide. The dance, the routine, the performance we’re convinced we have to put on is precisely what separates us from him. God can’t help us if we don’t need help.
The more we can put our cards on the table, live honestly, and acknowledge that we don’t have it all together, the more God can whisper to our hearts, “I know. I see you and I love you so much.”
It’s what we long for. To be exposed, AND to be loved anyway.
This is why I need this prayer. Why I need to tell God and my brothers and sisters that I have sinned. I have sinned (and this is my favorite part),
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done
and in what I have failed to do
Because isn’t that just so true? It’s a combination of my thoughts, my actions, my words, and my inactions that I hide behind.
through my fault,
through my fault,
through my most grievous fault;
When I first heard this part of the prayer I couldn’t help but hear it like the way I’d apologize to my little brother when our childish fighting would go too far. He would cry out and I would yell, “I didn’t meant it! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!”
But now I hear the confession,
Lord, I keep hiding, and hiding, I don’t even know how to stop myself, I keep hiding.
Like the humble tax collector who averted his eyes, struck his breast and declared “God have mercy on me, a sinner” (Luke 18:9-14) we have this opportunity to come before the Lord, lower our eyes and say, “We’ve done it again.” We’ve kept sinning and we desperately need help.
therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,
all the Angels and Saints,
and you, my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord our God.
Now this is the part of the prayer that I have a harder time understanding. As a Protestant I struggle with the part where we are beseeching Mary and the Saints to pray for us. As much as I’m assured that it is just like asking my friends to pray for me, it feels different. I don’t know why. [I’m sure I’ll reflect more on this in future posts.]
The part I do get, is that this is a plea to enlist others to pray on our behalf. It is an acknowledgement that this situation is serious and we cannot fix it on our own.
It is only through this acknowledgement, this unveiling, and recognition of our sin that we invite God to respond to our confession. It is in those authentic moments, when we are most in touch with our sin, and sure that we will be judged and rejected, that we can most profoundly recognize the overwhelming, so completely freeing, astonishing, forgiving love we are being given.
“I know. I see you, and I love you so much.”
